Matters of Size
by misscam
Summary: Uhura is informed, Kirk is curious, Spock is not telling and McCoy wishes he didn't know.  Spock/Uhura, implied Kirk/McCoy


Matters of Size  
by Camilla Sandman

Summary: Uhura is informed, Kirk is curious, Spock is not telling and McCoy wishes he didn't know. [Spock/Uhura, implied Kirk/McCoy]

Rating: Mature. Frank sexual discussions and implications.

Disclaimer: Not my characters, just my words.

Author's Note: This is just silly. And probably very immature. Um, sorry?

II

The day the entire Enterprise ended up speculating about Vulcan penis size actually did start normal enough, strange as it may sound.

There was a new planet to chart, normal enough. There was a brief adventure involving unfamiliar fauna, also not out of place. There was a debate on the stubbornness of a certain starship Captain going planetside, and the lack of logic in wanting to go again even after just narrowly avoiding being eaten by a very large hairy creature, and that too could be considered normal, or at least following a normal pattern.

"Captain, I must insist again..."

"Spock, Spock, where is your sense of adventure..."

"Jim, you can't just..."

Spock, James Kirk and Doctor McCoy could together drive anyone mad, Uhura reckons. Utterly mad. Yes. That's her excuse.

"Could we treat this a little less like a dick-measuring contest, please?" she says, and all three men look at her.

"Why? That might be a bit more fun than this," Kirk says, managing to sound mischievous and serious at the same time.

"Because you would lose," Uhura says with absolute certainty, and then wishes she had said nothing at all.

Spock looks at her with a raised eyebrow, McCoy looks at her with weariness, and Kirk looks at her with wounded pride.

"Nevermind!" she says brightly, lifting up her hands and walking away.

She should have known that could not and would not be the end of it.

II

"She didn't really..."

"She did! I heard it from someone who was there."

"But how would she know the Captain's size? Commander Spock's, certainly, she would be well acquainted with..."

"_Very _well..."

"Yes, but the Captain's?"

"Maybe she's heard from someone who had first-hand experience with it."

II

"Jim, I'm not going to let you break into my medical files to discover if Vulcans are naturally more well-endowed than humans," McCoy says again, and Jim pays as little attention to it now as he did the five first times it was said.

"Bones, we're on a mission of discovery. I am merely... Desirous to discover. Come on, there must be some sort of database on this."

Bones crosses his arms, watching the Captain trying to guess the password for the hundredth time and still failing. "You're just out to reassure your ego."

"No, I want to defend the pride of the human penis." He pauses, as if an idea strikes him. "You have personally examined Spock..."

"Yes..."

"... and have experience with human samples to compare..."

"If that's your new pick-up line, Jim, it's only marginally better than the one last week."

"Come on, give me a bone, Bones."

McCoy smiles faintly, remembering the last bone he did give the Captain. "Let's just say Vulcans are different."

"A-ha!" Kirk declares, sticking a finger in McCoy's chest triumphantly. Then a thought seems to occur to him. "But _how_ are they different?"

"You're hopeless," McCoy says wearily, but he's still smiling.

II

"Vulcans do have very long, pointy ears."

"That doesn't mean everything on them is long and pointy."

"But it could!"

II

When Uhura walks into sickbay, McCoy has a fair suspicion what she's there to do, and it ends with 'control' and starts with 'damage'. She should know that once the Captain has gotten an idea into his head, it is rather impossible to shake it.

McCoy would know, after all. (The idea involving jelly was not half bad though, he has to admit.)

"Don't worry," he says calmly. "Your biological secrets are safe with me. Doctor – patient confidentiality and all."

"Never doubted it, doctor," she says, and turns to leave again.

"Uhura?"

"How can you be so sure? You do not have access to my medical files or to the Captain's private parts and the differences between human and Vulcan biology are not that... Enormous."

"Let's just say I made a logical deduction based on hands-on experience," she says, and McCoy rather wishes he hadn't asked.

There is no cure for mental images, but he would like to invent one.

II

"If Lieutenant Uhura doesn't know the size of the Captain, there is only one way she could be certain he would not win..."

"Yes...?"

"... Spock's size would have to be of such statue there could be no competition."

"... Oh my."

"Lieutenant Uhura could be a very lucky woman. Very, _very_ lucky."

II

"Captain."

"Spock, I was wondering something..."

"No."

"In the interest of peace and cultural exchange between our two species..."

"No."

"We're on a mission of discovery and..."

"No."

"Spock, we're becoming friends and friends share..."

"No."

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

"..."

"I'll take that as a 'hell, no'."

"That is a good approximation, Captain."

II

When Uhura enters Spock's quarters that evening, she finds him medidating. For a few minutes, she just watches him in silence, then she calmly sits down next to him.

"I do believe I have you to thank for the ten female crew members that have made several inappropriate suggestions to me today," he says, eyes still closed. "And the five male."

"I'm sorry," she says. "The Captain was being so cocky I kinda went for his cock. Sorry."

"Yes," Spock agree. "But you did not have to use my cock to make the point. Why do human society have such a fascination with size?"

"Size is seen as an indication of supreme maleness," she explains. He cocks an eyebrow at that.

"Very curious. You are telling me the Captain wishes to be the biggest cock on the Enterprise?"

"Probably of the universe," she says frankly.

"That would be impossible, given the size of the Berk'ano male," he says. "Vulcan scientists have long known them to be superior in size."

She considers that. "Vulcan scientists devoted time to penis size?"

"Given the social impact size seems to have in many societies, it seemed only logical to make a database on this matter," he informs her.

"Only logical," she agrees. "So tell me, Commander Spock, does this database of cocks have any practical uses?"

It does, as it turns out.

II

"Lieutenant."

"Captain."

"Nyota, I _will _find out, you know."

"I know."

"Why not save us both the effort and tell me now?"

"Because it's so fun to watch your efforts," Uhura says, and walks out of the elevator to find all the women on the bridge (and some men) giving her envious glances.

II

The day the entire Enterprise found out about Vulcan penis size, did also start normal enough, but that is no longer surprising.

There was a new planet to chart, normal enough. There was a brief adventure involving unfamiliar flora, also not out of place. There was a debate on the stubbornness of a certain Lieutenant and the persistence of a certain Captain and that too could be considered normal, or at least following a normal pattern.

The role Doctor McCoy and the Vulcan database on penis size (with a subsection on techniques involving them) would have to play in this was less normal.

But that's another story.

FIN 


End file.
